In honor of the 40th anniversary of the Rubik’s Cube, I bring you something totally unrelated!
The End Is Coming?
To all you like-minded individuals who see the impending rise of the undead and want to be as prepared as you can, may I provide you with my favorite Zombie Survival Sheet.
Use this handy reference to help you plan, purchase, and stockpile your way to long term survival.
Here is mine. In addition to this handy reference, I have provided below succinct explanations on the whats and whys.
Clothing and Gear
With limited space, you can maximize value by multi purposing!
IR/MP3 Player/Camera Sunglasses (Real)
This is one spectacular unit. The built in headphones not only allows me to listen to my favorite pre- and post-apocalyptic tunes, but double as hands-free communication that I can plug into a cell phone or walkie-talkie (depending on what infrastructure survives), and the camera lets me record my recon – no trying to remember everything I see!
Modified Saw Blade Helmet (Real)
The saw blade helmet is not a new concept, but mine will be a slightly deadlier version with razor sharp saw blades. Chain-mail cowl for breathable neck protection not pictured, because photoshopping is hard and I’m feeling lazy.
Pathogen Resistant Boots (Real)
A top choice for today’s police and EMTs, these pathogen resistant boots help ward off infections and booby traps, and come in a variety of shades of black.
Dyson LePetit Protector Ring Pistol (Real)
While loud noises will attract the brain eaters, this lovely ring is intended only as a close range weapon. Meaning, if I ever have to use it, it will be because they are already on top of me, and this is my last line of defense.
Kevlar Duster (Real)
Because you can make anything with Kevlar, this attractive Kevlar duster provides protection from the elements and the unwanted bites of zombies while also providing the wearer with a constant workout.
Rossignol Harness Shell (Real)
Comfort matters, perhaps even more so in these post apocalyptic times. These Rossignol Harness Shell pants provide storage capacity, warmth, and a built-in rappelling harness.
The best defense is a good offense, right? So here is how I’m armed:
The Sniper Rifle/Crossbow Combo (Fictional)
I came across this a long time ago. The silence of a crossbow allows me to use it without fear of attracting more rotting corpses, and the sniper rifle gives me the option to pick them off from great distances with deadly accuracy.
Apache Revolver (Real)
I’ll be honest, I was originally going to go with the Walther PPK with silencer and laser sight. But, when doing some research, I came across the Apache Revolver and Knuckle-Duster , which is equally acceptable to take to both a knife and a gun fight. A short-range weapon for sure, but put this along side my ring, and I have a matching set!
BDM Titanium Cricket Bat (Real)
My choice of melee weapon took a lot of consideration. I know many people go with baseball bats, medieval axes, or martial arts paraphernalia (I even saw one guy with a Gravity Hammer – please!), but let’s be realistic for a second (within the bounds of this fantasy, of course). The BDM Titanium Cricket Bat has flat titanium core for strength and balance. The flat side lets me whack, the blade lets me chop, and the advertised “larger sweet spot for extra power in stork” means I can hit hard. I can use it one handed or with both hands. It is the ultimate zombie hacking device!
Here are the essential tools needed for recon, diversion, escape, and survival. I’ve assumed here that – given my awesome stronghold and vehicle choices – my primary goal with my inventory is foraging and emergency rescue excursions. I admittedly cheated a bit here by creating my own “kits” or “packs” of similar items, but video games do it all the time, so who cares?
Cricket Backpack (Real)
A cricket backpack just makes sense. Plenty of storage capacity, special sleeve for my cricket bat, and I can use the front and bottom mesh for the Rappelling Gear and Motorized Razor Scooter (below).
Duct Tape (Real)
If I have to explain this one, you haven’t seen or read enough post-disaster material. You can do ANYTHING with duct tape!
Rappelling Gear (Real)
Motorized Razor Scooter (Real)
The motorized razor scooters travel faster than a zombie horde, so I don’t care if they hear me! If I’m using this, I’m either too injured to walk, carrying too much to make good time, and/or I’m on my way out anyway.
Parrot AR Drone (Real)
The Parrot AR Drone comes equipped with a built in camera and there is a smartphone/tablet app that you can use to fly it with. Scope out the situation without risk to life and limb. Add sound and some lite, built-in speakers and this is a great cry-baby, too! Recharges via solar power on the bus or in the turtle.
Khaki Rope Knuckle Duster (Real)
Another two-fer, the khaki rope knuckle duster provides an additional set of knuckles and a length of emergency roper for things like a trip wire, securing loads and conserving duct tape!
Pursuit Deterrence Kit (Real-ish)
Includes ball bearings, smoke/stink bombs, miscellaneous firecrackers and incendiaries, an aerosol hairspray + cigarette lighter combo and flares.
This is a plausible vehicle, and some people have actually built these, but the one I’m looking for doesn’t exist…yet!
Amphibious Bus (Real/Plausible)
The Amphibious Bus allows me to take foraging parties from our landing site to almost any location without fear of being gridlocked by the gruesome hordes, and doubles as a portable stronghold for the away team – keeping them safe for even extended jaunts through urban jungles. And there is plenty of storage and sleeping space to boot!
Take this concept, add safety glass and a few creature comforts in the bed, and some big tires and a light-weight front-end plow, and you’re closer to what I have in mind.
Who would ever think that a stronghold belongs in miscellaneous?
Stronghold : Turtle Airship (Real)
My dirigible of choice is the Turtle Airship; the concept art here showing solar panel powering. All the comforts of a five star hotel with unbeatable safety – I’ll never wake up wondering if zombies have circumvented our security perimeter or if bandits have busted in on our party. And, as climate changes or resource shortages demand, I can take my entire stronghold with me and relocate anywhere I want; touching down on rooftops if desired, or any open field I choose, or even on water!
Sidekick : Short Round (Fictional)
Short Round was one of the best sidekicks ever – likely second only Tim Drake (as the third Robin, those of you familiar with this will see the obvious reasons why I didn’t say Dick Grayson or Jason Todd). Great with electronics and rigging things and incredibly loyal, not to mention tons of fun to have around. And he has some experience dealing with people who aren’t in their right mind at the time…
Soundtrack : Fashion Nugget (Real)
This Cake album, has several of my favorite tunes on it (no lie!), such as their cover of I Will Survive and Stickshifts and Safety Belts. This is the next best thing to creating my own mix – which if I did would have to include Jonathan Coulton’s cult hit Re: Your Brains – which I didn’t do because I can’t just paste in a picture of it.
Final Boss : Zombie Obama
Who else would be leading the undead revolt if not the president of the United States of America? This is the only logical choice for a Final Boss. After all, Chuck Norris wouldn’t become a zombie, right?
I used my favorite Halo callsign – Paradox. For last words, I stole a line from James Alan Gardner’s Expendable.
[insert emergency preparedness PSA here]